I wanna know what it is you do to keep from hurting anyone but you...

I wanna Vent. I wanna be all grr and argh and meh and mergh. I will be. I should probably talk to a buddypal at some point...I just really don't wanna. I'm so sick of worrying people and I know people worry anyway but Jesus. It's so pointless. I'm not worth worry. And anyway what is worrying gonna achieve? Is worrying about someone gonna make all their problems go away? No it's just gonna make you feel shit too. I don't wanna make anyone feel shit. I don't want anyone else to feel shit. Much as it seems like I hate the world and everyone in it most of the time (damn fuck yeah!) I actually do care about people and I do actually want people to be happy and I do want people to have Happy Birthdays (yesh Xtopher that means you!) and Merry Christmases and Happy New Years. I want all of that for everyone. But not me.
I don't deserve happy. I waste happy. I don't need happy. I deserve to be miserable forever more. I don't deserve incredible friends like the ones I have (Nick just offered to kick the snot out of James Pagan. How much does that rawk? In a really odd way. But that's a really nice thing for him to say...also in a really weird way.) I don't deserve good or happy or material possessions or friends or care or worry or anything or anyone. And my God I am so whiny and moany and self pitying and sulky and moody and bitchy. But I am also so fucking insecure and so down about myself and so full of self hate and so lacking in confidence... I have a thousand and one flaws and I can fixate on any one of them at any given time, day or night. I spend a lot of my time lately trying to convince other people that I'm ok, laughing and smiling and joining in conversations and hugging people I don't even wanna be near...not because I hate them. I don't hate anyone. Except James Pagan. But because I am so fucking scared of hurting people atm. I really don't wanna hurt anyone. But I don't know what I can do. I don't seem to have anything left I can do.
I don't talk about problems that much (I know some people would disagree, but the stuff I talk about is rarely the stuff that really matters) and when I do I just feel guilty about it, and talking never helps. I bottle stuff up and I sulk for days and I try to be Fake Happy but I'm such a shit actress (why am I doing Drama? Another subject I can fail in. As if I'm not punishing myself enough.). I was so close to crying at lunch. I think I was actually crying. But then I realised and I figured I should do something about it, so I got up and made myself go over to talk to Enchi and Xtopher and he was nice to me and I tried to be nice back...but I dunno. I think I was a bitch. I'm always a bitch. I'm such a bitch.
Things went wrong today and they were my fault. I make shit happen a lot. I got myself in trouble with my form tutor (I am apparently very close to getting a red card). I got Glen told off in English. I told someone to fuck off (I always seem to be doing this and I never remember who I am telling to fuck off so I can't apologise, which is yet another of my fucking flaws).
I don't know what I can do anymore. I am so sick of feeling like this. And I cannot take Christmas. Being with the family...the whole family...being all festive and cheery and happy and polite. I am terrified. It terrifies me. I just want it to be over. I don't even know what I fucking mean...

Things I steal from LJ

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Tasha
2. Tahsa
3. Retard

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. I'll go none too bravely into the night
2. "I can hear music!" "We can all hear music. We're musicians!"
3. You may not need this world but this world needs you here

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. My friends (I know they're not myself but they count as a lot of me)
2. My eyelashes
3. My sense of humour

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Could use more than three... The way I look
2. My personality
3. The way I treat other people

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Australian
2. Polish
3. English

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Being completely alone
2. The people I love bering miserable/suffering/dying
3. Going blind/crazy

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Hairbrush
2. Creativity
3. Air

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Beloved black jeans
2. ILI top
3. Miffy socks

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE BANDS:
1. Eels
2. Phantom Planet
3. Death cab for cutie

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Eels - Fashion Awards
2. Radiohead - Today
3. Bush - Personal Holloway

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Being nice all day
2. Being happy all day
3. Not hogging the computer :P

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP(besides love):
1. Safety
2. Trust
3. Passion

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I like cheese
2. I hate wearing socks
3. I don't "love" anyone atm

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE (or same) SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes
2. Hair
3. Butt :P

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Like people
2. Maths
3. Like myself

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
1. Writing
2. Music
3. Riding

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Hug someone
2. Write something awesome
3. Get rid of my headache

THREE CAREERS YOU ARE CONSIDERING:
1. Writer
2. Singer
3. Zoologist (didn't see that one coming did ya? :P)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. New Zealand
2. Australia
3. France - love it there, y'all should come with!

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. Tamzin
2. Sophia
3. Rose

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Fall in love
2. Write a book
3. Be happy

My darling dear, love you all the time...

Well, first Christmas dinner over now.
And in horse riding news (it sounds so sad, but I'm really into it, and things I actually care about are so rare atm (Glen said it's actually really hard to have a conversation with me because there's so little I care about) that it's a good thing for me to be borderline obsessive about riding lessons) we can now have 45 minute lessons. Soon twill be a whole hour lesson. SQUEEEEE I am so glad that I've found something I don't suck at! We get better a tiny bit better every week, and today the teacher, Laura I think her name is, god how much do I suck, had her for a half hour lesson every week for about five weeks now and I still don't know her name...anyway she was very pleased with both of us today. So yay! Praise rocks!
And the first Christmas dinner was today. It was with my dad, his gf Rebecca, her dad Alan and her step-mother Pam, and my sister Hannah. Well they're all nice people. But I'm the bitch from hell, so I have to be on my best behaviour around people and I find it really hard work and really tiring. I have to remember to be polite and to smile and to laugh at people's pathetic attempts at jokes (not that mine are any better) and to contribute to conversations once in a while, but to say things of use so as not to kill the conversation...keep the smile fixed on my face at all times, do not roll my eyes ever, don't look or act bored at all, act as if this dinner is the most fun I've ever had, remember to be helpful and help clear the table and serve stuff and pass food round, be very enthusiastic about how great all the food is... My GOD this was only the first dinner. I have...at least one more to get through. And that will be with more family. And we will spend all day together, at someone else's house, so no escape at all. Here at least Rebecca gave me permission to leave and hide out in the study with music and computer rights and MSN, except no one's online, damn you all! Oh wait I found Cat...but she is ignoring me. Mebbe she's busy. I'm so paranoid. And so cold. And so stuffed. Damn it why do I have to go through two different Christmases? Why did my dad have to sod off with Rebecca? If he'd stayed with my mum we'd have more money, probably a better house, more stuff (not that there's even anything I want), one house, I'd have one bedroom, one Christmas, one Christmas dinner...
I can't eat all that food again. I can't be that person again. And it's so soon! Too soon. I can't do it again. I don't want to do it again. I cannot deal with this!

How do you feel when there's no sun? How do you feel when there's no one? Am I just like you, all the things you do...

Ok...things I can say...well that'd be not much tbh. Since I have NOTHING to say about today. Oh except Hannah wasn't in again, and Emma had her last day today, and I will miss her, but it's only like...five more days of school, so not that long to wait til holidays, which will be sucky and boring, I know, but still, something better than school, so something I can look forward to.

And I won't pretend there's nothing there...

I am so sick of all this talk of love! Yes I am bitter and cynical and sarcastic and twisted...yes I am selfish and cruel and lazy and demotivated...yes I am a bitch and an arsehole...Yes I have many, many flaws, and I am aware of most of them, but they do still bug me.
Buuut...everybody's happy, you bet your life we are! So moving back to the Love Rant and away from the self-hate self-pity self-deprecation self-loathing thing... Ah the Love Rant. I've repeated this many times lately. I don't know why everyone's talking about love so freaking much lately. There's the whole Scomelie thing...they just piss me off. I know they shouldn't, cause it's "sweet" and everyone's really "happy" for them and I'm probably just "jealous"...
Anyway...they piss me off cause they're all over each other or they're crying on other people because they're gonna "break up". They must've "broken up" about six times by now... Blaaaah so bitter!
And Lavan's blog...mergh I hate the blog! Twas so depressing and I don't know why. Made me feel so lonely for NO REASON. He seems to put a lot of pressure on this "perfect" girl while being the "perfect" guy. I'd hate it if the guy I was dating based his mood on mine...I'd hate making someone feel like that. And I'd feel so much pressure to be happy all the time...it'd just be too much.
So I guess I'm kinda glad I'm an invisible apple in the wrong orchard that's never gonna get picked...yeah crappy analogy, which some people find pretty, but I think it's crap. Girls aren't like apples. They don't bruise when you drop them...it's more like they are crushed. I've seen what guys can do to girls...even friends can destroy each other. Friends do destroy each other...so easily... I don't think people realise how much power they have sometimes. People do have a lot of influence and power over other people...people are easily led away and easily corrupted and easily brainwashed...but people are also easily hurt and can be ripped apart or torn to shreds or dropped and shattered into tiny pieces...
Ugh wtf am I on about? This was meant to be about this awesome song I heard... Damn it!