I wanna know what it is you do to keep from hurting anyone but you...

I wanna Vent. I wanna be all grr and argh and meh and mergh. I will be. I should probably talk to a buddypal at some point...I just really don't wanna. I'm so sick of worrying people and I know people worry anyway but Jesus. It's so pointless. I'm not worth worry. And anyway what is worrying gonna achieve? Is worrying about someone gonna make all their problems go away? No it's just gonna make you feel shit too. I don't wanna make anyone feel shit. I don't want anyone else to feel shit. Much as it seems like I hate the world and everyone in it most of the time (damn fuck yeah!) I actually do care about people and I do actually want people to be happy and I do want people to have Happy Birthdays (yesh Xtopher that means you!) and Merry Christmases and Happy New Years. I want all of that for everyone. But not me.
I don't deserve happy. I waste happy. I don't need happy. I deserve to be miserable forever more. I don't deserve incredible friends like the ones I have (Nick just offered to kick the snot out of James Pagan. How much does that rawk? In a really odd way. But that's a really nice thing for him to say...also in a really weird way.) I don't deserve good or happy or material possessions or friends or care or worry or anything or anyone. And my God I am so whiny and moany and self pitying and sulky and moody and bitchy. But I am also so fucking insecure and so down about myself and so full of self hate and so lacking in confidence... I have a thousand and one flaws and I can fixate on any one of them at any given time, day or night. I spend a lot of my time lately trying to convince other people that I'm ok, laughing and smiling and joining in conversations and hugging people I don't even wanna be near...not because I hate them. I don't hate anyone. Except James Pagan. But because I am so fucking scared of hurting people atm. I really don't wanna hurt anyone. But I don't know what I can do. I don't seem to have anything left I can do.
I don't talk about problems that much (I know some people would disagree, but the stuff I talk about is rarely the stuff that really matters) and when I do I just feel guilty about it, and talking never helps. I bottle stuff up and I sulk for days and I try to be Fake Happy but I'm such a shit actress (why am I doing Drama? Another subject I can fail in. As if I'm not punishing myself enough.). I was so close to crying at lunch. I think I was actually crying. But then I realised and I figured I should do something about it, so I got up and made myself go over to talk to Enchi and Xtopher and he was nice to me and I tried to be nice back...but I dunno. I think I was a bitch. I'm always a bitch. I'm such a bitch.
Things went wrong today and they were my fault. I make shit happen a lot. I got myself in trouble with my form tutor (I am apparently very close to getting a red card). I got Glen told off in English. I told someone to fuck off (I always seem to be doing this and I never remember who I am telling to fuck off so I can't apologise, which is yet another of my fucking flaws).
I don't know what I can do anymore. I am so sick of feeling like this. And I cannot take Christmas. Being with the family...the whole family...being all festive and cheery and happy and polite. I am terrified. It terrifies me. I just want it to be over. I don't even know what I fucking mean...