So if there is a perfect spring that's waiting somewhere, just take me there and lie to me, tell me it's going to be all right...

Hmm...what to say? Well I think it's time for a ranting venting whining post, because I don't wanna vent on anyone but I'm feeling pretty shit.
I haven't slept right in weeks now, which before I put down to stress of German orals, because I was stressed to the extreme about that, but since that's over I can no longer do that, and yet I still don't sleep. So I am extremely tired to the point of babbling and mixing up words and slurring my words and sounding pretty drunk and insane and stupid, which of course provides entertainment for everyone else but it makes life very difficult. My already low confidence has been gradually fading as it is without speaking incoherently like some drunken moron.
I'm also having problems with crying lately. I have never wanted to cry so often, it's horrible. So I figure it's maybe just like all this tearful tensiony stuff has built up and I just need to cry it all out sometime, but whenever I actually can cry, like I have the time and there's no one around to see me or no one who'll see me afterwards when my eyes are all red and puffy and ask what's wrong...I can't cry. It's just like...it feels like wanting to scream and scream and scream only you have a sore throat, so all that comes out is like a hoarse harsh growly noise and that just makes you feel so frustrated... Well I had a horrible near-emotional breakdown on the way back from riding. It was just my dad's gf and me, and her radio wasn't working and we couldn't find any tapes, and I don't know why but I just felt like sobbing, I mean actually sobbing, you know the full-on cliched crying thing? That. It was torturously horrible, because I was sitting there, curled up in the passenger seat trying not to look at her, trying not to think, trying so damn hard not to cry, trying to ignore her...but she knew I was gonna cry so she was asking me all these questions and I could hear my voice cracking and feel the tears in my eyes and I just did not want to cry then, so I had to spend the whole time drinking Coke and then I found a Nirvana tape I made us listen to really loud.
So yeah, that was fun. And I keep feeling like that. Like it'll be lunchtime and I'll be standing with all of my buddypals, our buddypals, whatever. And I'll just be all weirdly tearful and have to remind myself that my friends are there and fix a smile on again and laugh some more and say more funny things.
But it's just so damn hard. I'm so tired and I'm so down, all the fucking time, and I'm constantly worrying about everyone else and myself and everything in the world, and it just feels like it's always gonna be this way, only sometimes it's gonna be even worse. I just can't see the point in any of it, and I hate that. I also hate myself and I hate that I feel sick a lot and I hate that I can't sleep and I hate that I'm so pathetic that I've managed to whine on for ages now...

Because I don't wanna be here, I don't wanna see this now, it's all wrong but it's all right, and I don't wanna be here...

I am FREAKING OUT right now. It's the dreaded Back to School Day tomorrow, and I cannot cope with this. I am sooo FREAKING right now. And I can't deal. I absolutely fucking can't deal. It's enough staying home you know? I can't do school too. It's just...argh I dunno how to explain it. I just feel so stressed and so scared and so depressed all the fucking time, and it's like...there's not even that much shit to deal with when I'm at home, but when I'm at school there's a thousand and one things, and it all adds to the stuff that's just there from like my personality and my moods and shit, so there's all this added stuff... And there's school stress. Like, for example, right now I'm thinking how shit it is that I haven't worked on my magazine for media, and how I haven't even started my fucking German cwk, which I am meant to be doing off by heart in like two weeks time, and how shit it is that I haven't practiced any of the songs I'm meant to be learning for a freakin' grading exam and then there's gonna be another science module, and just general hwk, and lessons, and dealing with friends...
ARGH I CAN'T FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS! I know I sound so pathetic and whiny and there's nothing really wrong, cause I mean all this shit's been here for like ages. But right now it seems like so much more than it is. I should get some perspective. I should learn to deal. I should do a thousand things that I don't do and I'm not doing and I know I probably never will do, because I'm a fuck up and I'm fucked up and I fuck up and I've fucked up, and I'm always gonna be like this, and I can't stand that.
Jesus Christ. Why can't things just be ok? Why can't I just let things be ok?