My darling dear, love you all the time...

Well, first Christmas dinner over now.
And in horse riding news (it sounds so sad, but I'm really into it, and things I actually care about are so rare atm (Glen said it's actually really hard to have a conversation with me because there's so little I care about) that it's a good thing for me to be borderline obsessive about riding lessons) we can now have 45 minute lessons. Soon twill be a whole hour lesson. SQUEEEEE I am so glad that I've found something I don't suck at! We get better a tiny bit better every week, and today the teacher, Laura I think her name is, god how much do I suck, had her for a half hour lesson every week for about five weeks now and I still don't know her name...anyway she was very pleased with both of us today. So yay! Praise rocks!
And the first Christmas dinner was today. It was with my dad, his gf Rebecca, her dad Alan and her step-mother Pam, and my sister Hannah. Well they're all nice people. But I'm the bitch from hell, so I have to be on my best behaviour around people and I find it really hard work and really tiring. I have to remember to be polite and to smile and to laugh at people's pathetic attempts at jokes (not that mine are any better) and to contribute to conversations once in a while, but to say things of use so as not to kill the conversation...keep the smile fixed on my face at all times, do not roll my eyes ever, don't look or act bored at all, act as if this dinner is the most fun I've ever had, remember to be helpful and help clear the table and serve stuff and pass food round, be very enthusiastic about how great all the food is... My GOD this was only the first dinner. I have...at least one more to get through. And that will be with more family. And we will spend all day together, at someone else's house, so no escape at all. Here at least Rebecca gave me permission to leave and hide out in the study with music and computer rights and MSN, except no one's online, damn you all! Oh wait I found Cat...but she is ignoring me. Mebbe she's busy. I'm so paranoid. And so cold. And so stuffed. Damn it why do I have to go through two different Christmases? Why did my dad have to sod off with Rebecca? If he'd stayed with my mum we'd have more money, probably a better house, more stuff (not that there's even anything I want), one house, I'd have one bedroom, one Christmas, one Christmas dinner...
I can't eat all that food again. I can't be that person again. And it's so soon! Too soon. I can't do it again. I don't want to do it again. I cannot deal with this!