extrasupervery

I've had this dream a few times. Not enough that I count it as recurring. But more than once; three times maybe. It leaves me feeling calm, but in a sort of clinically detached way, like I've become a robot while I slept.

In this dream, I am recording a vlog for YouTube, for my friends and family to see. I am so calm and so carefully controlled. I begin by apologising for the words I am about to speak, but I didn't know any other way to do this. The thought of having this conversation more than once makes me feel sick. And I am sick. In this dream, I have cancer, or some other non-specified life-threatening illness, and I am sitting in front of my webcam and calmly talking into it to tell everyone I know that I might die.

Some More Mundane Dreams

Last night I had a dream my sister was in a seminar with me, and her phone kept ringing and she wouldn't turn it off or set it to silent.

I also think I had a dream about Hasina wanting me to buy shoes, either from her or for her or maybe just in general.

Zombie Dreams

the mother reckons maybe zombie dreams are stress dreams, but i'm not stressed and it wasnt a scary zombie dream. it was quite funny, as zombies go
for some reason, i was living at my dad's house, because i'd decided it was a good place to defend, except it's not because it's got a lot of windows and different levels and if you get trapped on one then you're screwed
and there were zombies that lived there too, but only for like two hours every day, so as long as i kept out of their way when they were home i was fine
and there was a maze, except it wasnt a maze because we knew where we were going, which for some reason scott lancaster was in charge of
and the zombies would just stand there and as long as you didnt get too close to them you were fine
except sometimes even if you got too close they'd just kiss your neck and i dunno wtf that business was all about
then scott decided that the maze was too easy because too many highwaymen (not a clue. not a clue why non-zombies were highwaymen, just know that they were) were getting through
and i was with you and my dad, and we were walking along a path that had no zombies, then scott decided it was too easy so he moved a whole bunch of zombies (with magic? i dunno. zombies just appeared to be capable of teleportation) onto the path, and you and me were running and one grabbed my arm so i punched it in the face
then i was walking past a school with a hot guy and all the kids in the school had black contact lenses and we were like "What's that all about?"
i dont think the zombies ate many people. i wasnt really aware of anything bad happening. it mostly just seemed quite normal.

Frightened Rabbit [post in lyrics]

I need you to pencil in the rest

I get hammered, forget that you exist
There's no way I'm forgetting this

These trousers seem to love your floor

Say yes before I change my mind

You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it

I might not want you back but I want to kill him

I'm not ready to see you this happy

This is the last song I'll write about you

If we have a hormone race, I'm bound to finish first

It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself warm

I'm drunk, I'm drunk and you're probably on pills

We adopt a brand new language
Communicate through pursed lips

I might never catch a mouse and present it in my mouth
To make you feel you're with someone
Who deserves to be with you

If you don't want to be with me, just say and I will go

But like a drunken night, it's the best bits that are coloured in

But I hate when I feel like this and I never hated you

I was walking for weeks before I fell in

You twist and whisper the wrong name

Let's pretend I'm attractive and then you won't mind

I'm afraid you've been misled; your high horse is in fact a pony

I don't have a clue how to behave when I'm around you

Don't believe me when I say I don't care because I do need this

I'm verbal when I am loaded

The fun stuff is not so fun without you

And I'm quite all right,
I get by just fine;
I'm not depressed,
Not most of the time.
It's just the fun stuff
Is much less fun without you.

We can be best friends with the people we hate

We could always be this way

He may love me
But I do not love him

You are all wasting your time here

This is a story and you are not in it

She was not the cure for cancer
And all my questions still ask for answers
There is nothing like someone new
And this girl, she was nothing like you

I love you more; he's no substitute
I'll wake, I'll wake with you soon

And a nod to the boredom that drove me here

I woke up this afternoon and thought maybe today
The world might be a more colorful place
And no luck, it's still just grey

I don't have much of a story to say
I just sit around at night and avoid the day
If I do anything at all, it would be to get up
And avoid conversation and human contact

Who'd you push down
the stairs last night?
I would have liked
to have been a part
of that...

She yawns because she's bored.
He yawns because he can't sleep anymore.

that kinda sad you get when you're sobering up

Please stop being so nice to me. If you keep being this nice to me, I'll get the wrong idea.

What makes you think it's the wrong idea?

You especially can't say things like that. Unless you mean them. Do you mean these things you say to me, the nice things, the things that make me wear that stupid silly boy smile?

You have a silly boy smile?

Yes. When you text me, mostly.

Why's it a stupid silly boy smile?

It makes me feel stupid. You make me feel stupid. I'm acting all cliched and girlish.

You are a girl.

I know, but not like this. It's never been like this before.

Does that make me special?

*eye roll* Do I really have to stroke your ego right now?

You said you liked that I was oblivious to my own awesomeness.
*pause*
Do you want me to mean it?

I just want to know. It's not going to destroy me if you don't. As long as we can still be friends. Like, don't just say that we can. You definitely have to mean that. We are friends, right?

What? Yeah, yes, god, of course we're friends. You're seriously questioning that?

*shrugs* Basically. I just feel like it's more about her, tolerating me because of her.

No, it's really not.
*pause*
I mean it. I'm not just saying it. I wouldn't do that.

Not even so you could see my boobs?

That's hardly a challenge. You just have to ask nicely and there they are - boobs. Batman and Robin.

You could see them more often if you were...if we were... Except for the distance thing. This isn't going to work, is it? There's the distance thing and the age thing and the emotional mess that is me. Individually, these things could be overcome.
*sound of a text message*
*reads text*
*insert Silly Boy Smile here*
*looks at him, puzzled expression*

I wanted to know what it was like. Your silly boy smile. I like it.
*smiles*

My Summer of...

So, I just finished [I say "just"; I've been done for nearly two weeks] my first year at university, and I have this insanely long summer stretching out ahead of me. I have about...four months of freedom.

And I need to actually do things. I need plans and stuff. I have some plans.

Like:
Boat Trip - 4th June
Moving Out - 5th June
Visting Warwick again at some point to celebrate their end of exams and my birthday
Family related birthday celebrations
Joe related birthday ish things

Family Holiday - 3rd July - 10th July
Latitude - 15th July - 18th July

Summer Sundae - 13th August - 16th August

Also I will be:
Making gingerbread pirates
Learning new recipes
Going to MK with my sister at some point
Hanging out with Memma at some point
Hanging out with Lemma at some point
Spending time with Tori <3
Visiting a farm =D

Writing More:
Mostly fanfic [2 WIPs, some oneshots, should get back to Skins stuff...]
Should prolly edit NaNo, or just say fuck it and convert the file... [got about a week to do that now...]

Reading More:
Need to read academicy books. I know nothing
I made a list but I lost it. It was mostly lipogrammatic novels

Watching More:
Chuck
Castle
Movies

I also need to:
Renew my passport
Decide if I'm going to France...
Move into my new house [at some point...]

Blog in Lyrics [The Mountain Goats]

I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
I hope we come out with a fail-safe plot
To piss off the dumb few that forgave us

I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it's already too late

I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do

And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say

Hand in unlovable hand

And I hope you die
I hope we both die

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

I wondered if I'd wake to find myself in flames
As I waited here for you

well I see you've resorted to petty theft.
you try to take something from me,
but there's nothing left.

i don't like what i've turned into
there's a hole in my chest in the spot that you wormed out through

You smile at me in total defiance of all decency
You’ve got it down to science
That innocent look
You’ve got it practiced real good
But I know you’d kill me if you could stand the sight of blood

and I tried to figure this one out but I can't find any meaning
and I'm sick and tired of trying to figure out your gestures

I can see you in my sleep

It was lovely, it was awful,
It was that kind of feeling

On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time
I felt free and I felt lonely and I felt scared
And I began to talk to myself almost immediately
Not being used to being the only person there

i made my invocation with my eyes on fire.
you were there at the window.
you are a god damned liar.
let the house come down on me.
let the house come down on you.

everything i've told you was true
so imagine my surprise when i blink my eyes
and realize that i've been talking to you
and i've told you everything
even the parts i'd meant to leave out

And there was a time when you wanted me so bad it was eating you up inside
But this time has gone away

if i ever want to drive myself insane,
all i have to do is watch you breathing

Soundtrack to My NaNoWriMo

The Wrote and the Writ - Johnny Flynn
[I never knew a part of you you didn't set in ink, in ink]

There Are Times - Fake Problems
[I guess you've never felt this way before. There are still days I need to be near you]

Hello I Wrote a Song for You Called "Welcome to the Jungle" - Hot Club de Paris
[We broke into the swimming pool after dark. She drops bombs and her name is gunshots]

Molly's Chambers - Kings of Leon
[She'll never stay. Just another girl that wants to rule the world. When she gets into your head, you know she's there to stay]

Go Ahead - Rilo Kiley
[If you wanna find yourself by travelling out west, go ahead]

Hop a Plane - Sara and Tegan
[Ocean please, help me drown these memories. Take a second, take a year]

The Dice wasn't loaded from the start - Hot Club de Paris
[Would you mind if I missed you missing me?]

Boy Awaits Return of the Runaway Girl - Hot Club de Paris
[The boy with big ideas sold them all for pizza and weed. Girl finds elsewhere it's tough to compare a boy and a man. Girl finds her way back home]

How to Say Goodbye - Paul Tiernan
[Why should you stay? He loved to say goodbye. He was free, to get up and leave, to learn how to breathe, again. Ask her if, by the way, would she like to run away and try to forget?]

I Love the Unknown - Clem Snide
[Why do you leave with a stranger when I am revealing my heart? The place with the most allure]

Road to Joy - Bright Eyes
[No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter; sometimes that's just the most comfortable place]

Boston - Augustana
[I think that I'm just tired. I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind]

This Town Ain't Big Enough for the One of Me - Frank Turner
[No new faces and no surprises. I'm bored of this town, I'm bored of this scene, I'm bored of these fuckers]

Neighborhood 1 [Tunnels] - Arcade Fire
[Then I'll dig a tunnel from my window to yours]

The Road - Frank Turner
[Ever since my childhood I've been scared, I've been afraid, of being trapped by circumstance and staying in one place]

Try This at Home - Frank Turner
[We write love songs in C, we do politics in G, we sing songs about our friends in E minor. The only thing that punk rock should ever really mean is not sitting round and waiting for the lights to go green]

Poetry of the Deed [acoustic] - Frank Turner
[Scratch until we're drunk, drink until we bleed, we are what we believe]

Everything reminds me of you - Emmy the Great
[Everything reminds me of you, somewhere out roaming tonight]

Gabriel - Emmy the Great
[I know my fate. I do not mean to fight. I've seen my future in an evening dress]

The Hypnotist's Son - Emmy the Great
[I carved your name into my bed. I missed all the memos. Can't tell if this is love or a stomach disorder. Need to know that you're breathing. Let me know you're alive]

Canopies and Grapes - Emmy the Great
[I've loved you so long I dunno who I'd be without. We'll be strangers who were lovers]

To Have and To Have Not - Billy Bragg
[Just because you're going forwards doesn't mean I'm going backwards]

Ache for You - Ben Lee
[You're the secret in the back of my skull]

Beans on Toast <3

just want back in your head...

This time last year, I spent the night with my three favourite people in all the world. Two best guy friends who were both in love with me. We were The Triangle, in so many senses of the word. And last year we played I Never and Truth or Dare and Glen wore my bra for hours. And we were so close. They were inner sanctum. They were I will lay down my life for you. And this year? The boys don't love me: they both have girlfriends. Glen and I will never be friends like we were again, or at all, I don't think, and it's not fair of him to write things suggesting otherwise in Christmas cards, when I rationally and logically know them to be untrue, but it's like this little persistent hope thing you know? I hate that stupid voice. And Joe and I have been screwy for like...weeks and fuck knows why. I always thought we'd have a better break up, a blaze of glory break up, but I guess I was wrong.

So. In a year. I've lost my inner sanctum. I've also kissed...nine people, I think. And had a kinda sorta tent based three some. And had a whole lot of orgasms thanks to my battery powered toys; I really do love masturbation. I'm a total boy. And there was the Mighty Boosh Live and Hot Club de Paris, which were both really fricking awesome.

What a difference a year makes.

Oh, and some things stay the same. Like my dad having to visit the hospital around Christmas time. At least you can rely on him to be a constant in this world of flux.

Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder

The term "ultra-rapid cycling" may be applied to those who cycle through episodes within a month or less. If this pattern occurs within a 24-hour period, the person's diagnosis could possibly be termed "ultra-ultra-rapid cycling" or "ultradian."

Expansive mood: Lack of restraint in expressing one's feelings & thoughts, frequently with an overvaluation of one's significance or importance. Irritable easily annoyed and provoked

Circumstantiality: Pattern of speech that is indirect and delayed in reaching its goal because of excessive or irrelevant detail or parenthetical remarks. The speaker does not lose the point, as is characteristic of loosening of associations, and clauses remain logically connected, but to the listener it seems that the end will never be reached

Distractibility the shifting from one area or topic to another with minimal provocation, and/or attention being drawn too frequently or easily to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli and expanding & embellishing in great detail.

Elaboration: An unconscious process consisting of expansion and embellishment of detail, especially with reference to a symbol or representation in a dream.

Flight of ideas: A nearly continuous flow of accelerated speech with abrupt changes from topic to topic that are usually based on understandable associations, distracting stimuli, or plays on words. When severe, speech may be disorganized and incoherent.

Pressured speech: increased in amount, faster than usual, virtually nonstop and difficult or impossible to interrupt. seemingly driven. Usually it is also loud and emphatic. The apparent digressions more abundant and noticeable.

Psychomotor agitation: Excessive motor activity that accompanies and is associated with a feeling of inner tension. The activity is usually nonproductive and repetitious and consists of such behavior as pacing, fidgeting, wringing of the hands, pulling of clothes, and inability to sit still

"continuous" cycling, which means that you never have a normal mood period: you cycle directly from one mood state into another with no normal mood. But again, the mood episodes may be long, short, mixed, with added features of panic, anxiety, etc. I guess the worst is ultra-rapid cycling and ultra-ultra-rapid or ultradian cycling, with many episodes in a day which just go on and on

results suggest that, in the large majority of cases, rapid cycling does not persist more than several years beyond its onset, though it is associated with an increased level of long-term morbidity

It has been suggested that antidepressants trigger and prolong rapid cycling, and cycle lengths have been observed to increase after antidepressant treatment was withdrawn. Because the identification of rapid cycling requires a thorough analysis of episodes for at least a year, a description of its natural course requires a lengthy observation period, as well as follow-up regardless of whether the patients remain in treatment. No prior study is known to have described the course of rapid cycling beyond five years

patients who showed a rapid-cycling pattern were significantly more likely to have had an illness onset before 17 years of age

In four of five cases, rapid cycling ended within two years of its onset

Rapid cycling may seem to make bipolar disorder more obvious, but because most people with rapid cycling bipolar disorder spend far more time depressed than manic or hypomanic, they are often misdiagnosed with "just" depression Also, people often don't take note of their own hypomanic symptoms, mistaking them for a period of unusually good mood